If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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