I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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