this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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