why didn't you poke me back
Are we in a gay sports bar?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
