You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
oh god the rape fog is back!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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