Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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