Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
