Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
