i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
