A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
