Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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