I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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