Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
