WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
