and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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