you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
