There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
