Michael Bay diarrhea
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
