Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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