Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
