my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
