CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
