Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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