Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
