Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
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I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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