I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
