I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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