Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
