I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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