Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
