believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
