She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
