i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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