My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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