Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
