I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
