when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
