Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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