guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
