Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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