I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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