We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
