my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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