I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
