My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
