well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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