Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Quick, to the slutcave!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
