I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
