i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
