If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
