we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
