I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
